


Understanding Human Sexuality

by CaptainLokii



Series: Crisis in Human Sexuality [1]
Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Sexual Confusion, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 03:40:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16380686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Ray Palmer never could understand how human sexuality worked. Was it Genetic? Was it psychological? Why was it so confusing? He hated it.





	Understanding Human Sexuality

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: upon writing the next part of this fic it got tied into a series i've already written so i'm adding it to that collection. more coming soon... time travel included dun dun duuuuuh.....
> 
> The suicide and self harm tags are in reference to John Constantine its nothing that isn't canonical just retooled for my plot. I promise tho it may seem like it in certain parts that I don't hate John he's actually my favourite dc tv character along with Cisco Len/Leo and Ray. 
> 
> This started off as a teeny tiny little oneshot about Ray being a massive adorable nerd but it got bigger and bigger and bigger and now its going to be a series...

From a scientific standpoint he couldn't come up with an explanation and that bothered him. Science had an answer for everything if you researched hard enough. He'd looked up study upon study on the subject and read opinion pieces and comments on random websites and not a single one came to the same conclusion. 

Some people believed it was something a person was born with and others believed it was something that developed later in life but neither made sense. If it was something you were born with then their must be some kind of genetic component to it and if it was something developed over time then their would be a pattern in behaviour that could be monitored and studied in a scientific experiment and yet there was no conclusive evidence for either. 

He wished Stein was here. He'd have known or at least been able to come up with an answer better than he could but then again maybe this wasn't the topic of discussion he wanted to be having with his former teacher even if it was purely for scientific purposes. Definitely no other interest other than science here. 

Maybe Gideon had an answer. 

“Hey Gideon” 

“Hello Dr Palmer” 

“In the future do you ever solve the mysteries behind human sexuality” 

“I'm not sure I understand the question” 

He thought for a second has to how to word the question “Did we ever discover why human beings sexualities are the way they are?” 

“I was not aware there was any mystery behind such matters Dr Palmer” the AI replied “There has never been anything to discover it just is” 

Well that was no help. “Thanks Gideon” he sighed feeling defeated and tried to come up with a better plan of action. 

He could always go forward into the future and research it there and see what he could find but then he'd have to explain to the whole ship why he wanted to go there in the first place and they'd never let him sneak off alone. Borrowing the jump ship was out of the question as well since Sara had put a lock down on anyone using it unless it was a dire emergency. 

Sara... Perhaps she had an answer. He put down the iPad he was using and went in search of their captain. 

~~

He found Sara in her quarters doing yoga which was definitely not something he ever expected to find her doing out of everyone on the ship. 

“Sara do you have a moment?” he asked poking his head round the door frame as she sat cross legged on the floor. 

She cracked one eye open and looked at him with her trademark death glare. “What is it Ray?” she said cool-y clearly not welcoming his interruption. 

“I was wondering if I might ask you a question for something I'm working on? It will only take a moment” 

“Make it quick” she shut her eyes again and went back to her yoga mediation combination. 

“How did you know you liked girls?” judging from the way her eyes flew open as fast as her mouth did it clearly wasn't the question she was expecting to get. Suddenly he felt nervous and had the urge to flee back to his lab. 

“Why are you asking? What's that got to do with your experiments” her eyes narrowed in suspicion. 

“It's not an experiment.. I... I'm trying to understand how sexuality works” he shuffled his feet and kept his eyes downward avoiding her gaze. 

“What's to understand?” 

“Everything. I don't understand it at all I never have. How is someone supposed to know what gender they are attracted to? Are they always attracted to them? Why? There are so many questions and no answers” he hated not understanding something. When he didn't understand he didn't sleep because he was constantly searching for any kind of answer to what ever question is brain posed next. 

“I just knew I liked girls and I liked guys. There was no big discovery or confusion I've just always been this way. What's brought this on Ray?” her voice softened now “Is there something else you want to talk about?” 

 

“N..no...that's it... Thanks Sara” he bolted out the door and back towards the lab. 

“Anytime Ray. Door's always open if you want to talk some more” their captain called from behind him.  
~~

That didn't go well at all. He didn't get any answers and left with more questions than he started. Why did he want to know this all of a sudden? It's not even his area of expertise, he's a physicist, an engineer and occasionally a chemist but he's never been a biologist or psychologist.

Sara says she just knew but how? He's never 'just known' he can't remember ever even thinking about it. He's been in love sure. He thought he found the love of his life once until she was taken from him and even swore off ever even kissing another again for her memories sake and in fear of losing something so precious again. At no point had he ever thought 'I like her because I like girls' so how did he know? He'd loved Felicity to though she never returned that love and he'd loved Kendra who was the same. Maybe his sexuality was just 'people who could never love him back'? It would explain a lot. 

But That didn't have any scientific basis either. Why did this all have to be so confusing. He just wanted some nice simple answers yet there were none to be found. 

He racked his brains for several hours trying to get something out of it till he was disturbed by Leo walking past the lab whistling a happy tune as he went. If the future didn't have answers maybe another earth did? 

“Leo?” he called after the older man. The whistling stopped mid tune and Leo reappeared in the doorway walking backwards lip still pursed to continue his song. “Can I talk to you a minute?”. 

“Sure thing Raymond how can I be of service” he said breaking into a broad smile as he practically waltzed into the room picking up an instrument from the table beside them and examining it curiously. 

“Did they ever discover the mysteries behind human sexuality on your earth?” 

Leo looked at him in a way he couldn't read as he considered his reply “I come from an earth that until you guys showed up was run by Nazi's. The only sexuality they believed in was heterosexuality. Anything else and it was off to the camps with a pink triangle on your chest and that was just for the lucky ones, most didn't make it that far.” there was an understandable anger in his voice as he spoke of the barbaric crimes that had been committed for so many years on his earth. Ray found himself regretting asking, not wanting to upset Leo but now he'd already asked it then in for a penny in for a pound. 

“Sorry, I didn't think. May I ask how you knew you were gay?” Leo immediately stopped playing with the tool his back stiffening. 

“I never thought I could be anything other than straight till I met my Ray. On my earth we aren't raised to think there is any option other than heterosexual. I figured that my indifference to women would change when I met 'the one' who I would marry like the biblical messages we were spoon fed in school. Then I met him and my whole world was turned upside down and I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my days for better and worse. It just felt right to love him, terrifying sure but right. I spent enough time in and out of those camps because of who I love.” Leo smiled sadly. “I was abandoned by my family, ostracized from society and hunted by the regime but the resistance found me. A band of misfits from every race, creed and religion. Every sexuality and gender identity all banding together and putting aside their differences to fight against evil as one big family.” A tear runs down Leo's cheek which he wipes away with surprise “Huh” he lets out a wet laugh “That's probably my first time saying all that out loud.” 

If Ray didn't feel bad for upsetting Leo before he sure did now. He hadn't thought about all the horrors he'd seen land all the hardship he'd gone through in life and now he'd made the man cry. “I'm sorry Leo I didn't think” he put a hand on the shorter man's shoulder trying to be comforting but is inability to be anything but awkward made him fail miserably at it. 

“Don't be sorry Raymond. Bottling things up never ends well for anyone and a good cry every now and again does a person the world of good. It's just habit to go into survival mode when such topics come up. On my earth if someone asked me about my sexuality it usually ended with them trying to drag me off to a gas chamber.” and here was Ray thinking he was the positive one on this ship and he hadn't spent his entire life under Nazi rule. “Why are you asking this anyhow? Happy to help of course just intrigued.” 

“I just can't understand he scientific basis behind human sexuality. There is no genetic component but people say they've always been that way and no psychological component yet people say you become that way. I don't understand.” the endless string of answers that still don't provide answers was frustrating him and he was so tired from lack of sleep that his head was hurting twice as bad now. 

“Raymond have you ever considered that there isn't a scientific reasoning behind it?” 

“Theirs always a...” he tried to argue.

“Maybe but maybe there doesn't need to be? Maybe people just are attracted to who they are attracted to and aren't to those they aren't? Nature versus nurture doesn't have to come in to it.” 

“But in animals there is a clear cut reasoning behind it”

Leo paused and looked at him with that unreadable look again before gesturing to the sofa in the corner of the lab which he'd been trying to sleep on lately so if he suddenly had a brain wave he didn't have to walk back to his lab. They both sat down and now Ray found himself feeling rather small under the older man's gaze despite their physical differences being the complete opposite. 

“Raymond, I understand this may not be a subject you want to talk about right now especially not with someone you barely know who shares the face of your old friend but have you considered that there is more behind these questions than simple scientific curiosity?” 

“What do you mean?” he asked, puzzled. 

“Have you considered that your need to understand the reasoning for sexuality is based around the confusion about your own?” 

“I'm not confused I just don't understand.” he protested. He wasn't confused, honestly. Why would he be? He'd never even thought about it to get confused over. 

“Forgive me for being personal here Raymond but have you ever had... relations with a woman?”

“Y..yes” he spluttered his cheeks definitely now redder than his ATOM suit and if any of the other crew could see him now they'd never let him live it down. 

“What about with men?” Leo asked, giving him a reassuring look that no judgement would be had here. 

“No” he answered. 

“Have you ever been attracted to one?”

“I've never thought about it” he hadn't because why would he? He'd never had a need to. 

“Think about it now. What do you find attractive in a partner? Do you like delicate features or a strong jawline? Curves? Muscle? Both?” 

He did not want to be having this conversation. This was not part of his research. This wasn't relevant and thinking certain features on a person were attractive didn't mean he was attracted to THEM it just meant he had eyes. Right? Sara was beautiful he wasn't attracted to her though. Nate had an incredible physique but he wasn't attracted to him either. Mick had dark brown eyes that held a thousand tales but he wasn't in to him either...

“Okay buddy come on now breathe for me.” his chest felt tight and he suddenly realised Leo was no longer sitting beside him but standing over him rubbing his back as he struggled to breathe suddenly hyper aware of every noise and sensation. “You're having a panic attack it's alright. You're safe on the wave rider, Sara is on her way, Nate and Amaya are in the library, Zari is playing video games and Mr Rory is holed up in his den. You and everyone else is safe and well and everything is going to be okay” Leo spoke soothingly as he rubbed his back. Why did he have a panic attack? He'd not done that in ages. Sure there were moments after bad missions and that one time during when he thought he couldn't unshrink again and was going to be stuck like that again but why now? He was just talking. 

Footsteps, two sets, walking fast. 

“What the hell is happening in here Snart” Sara demanded walking into the room with John Constantine on her tail. 

“Raymond here is having a bit of a panic attack. He's going to be fine he just needs a moment” Leo told her clearly trying to get her to calm down and not make him more anxious but it wasn't helping. 

“I can see that. What I want to know is why? Gideon check him over make sure he's not hurt” she asked the AI. 

“Captain Lance, Mr Snart is correct all signs point to a panic attack and upon calming down all vitals should return to normal.” the electronic voice said above. 

“What happened Snart” Sara was in a defensive stance now clearly thinking Leo might've caused him harm but he couldn't catch his breath enough to tell her otherwise. 

“I believe the topic of our conversation should be kept private given the circumstances and unfamiliar company” Leo replied flicking his eyes at Constantine. 

“Oh we could get a whole lot more familiar if you want love. Your bunk or mine?” the Liverpudlian said with a smirk earning himself a punch off Sara making him smirk harder. 

“Shut it Constantine or I'm dropping you out the airlock” Sara warned “Snart this is my ship and I demand you tell me what the fuck is going on” 

Leo looked at him still rubbing his back then turned his gaze back to the captain. “I can't do that. It's not my place to discuss such matters. If Raymond wants to talk to you he will but I know more than anyone that telling another's secret is a very dangerous affair” 

Sara looked like should could summon daggers with her eyes as she tried to stare Leo down but he wasn't budging for which Ray was very grateful. They had their match of eye contact for an age as his lungs still felt like they were going to explode and his head implode. Constantine just looked between the two, highly amused by the pair. 

“Ray is this about what you asked me earlier?” Sara asked finally, kneeling in front of him now. He managed to nod in reply as he tried to focus is breathing and even it out. “Did you ask Leo the same question?” he nods again. What the hell was going on with him? Was he losing his marbles or something? Why did he have to do this now and in front of so many people? 

Sara's face instantly went from irritated to kind. “Ray you need to breathe with me okay. In and out, that's it. It's alright you don't have to worry we will help you” He follows her instruction and slowly his breathing matches hers and his vision stops blurring and all the noise seems to quieten down. He still feels highly on edge and not all like himself. “You weren't asking for any kind of research paper were you?” 

“I was” he insisted “Or at least I thought I was. I don't know” 

“No, hey it's okay you don't need to know its fine.” she assured. “Do you want to start from what started all this?”

What had started it? He couldn't think he was so tired. Everyone had been so distraught after Stein died and no one was really talking to each other unless they had to. No one even shared meal times any more which had once been a rule. Losing their Snart was hard but losing Stein added to that pain and was pulling the team apart. He'd grown up so used to being on his own as a child, of having no friends to care about him that he learned to go into his own head where he could have as many friends as he wanted. As he got older he did it to figure things out such as way his latest watch wasn't working exactly the way he wanted or how to make the ATOM suit shrink further. He'd done all that by having conversations with himself in his own head but since joining the legends he'd suddenly had more friends than he'd had in his entire life. Now though they all had their own grief to deal with and he found himself alone in his own head again with nothing to pull him back. 

Was he thinking this because he was lonely? Had thinking it caused some almost placebo effect response convincing him of something that wasn't true? Or had the thoughts always been there and not having a distraction had unleashed them? Before he'd had his fiancée to distract him and then Felicity and team Arrow and whilst they were never really is friend they kept him enough out of his own head that he didn't need to think about anything. When he'd spent six months stuck miniaturized in his suit he'd spent the entire time working on a way to escape and be Ray sized again that he hadn't had to think about it. 

Something had to have triggered it though? Images of Mick taking his place at the vanishing point willingly dooming himself to death flashed before his mind. Of Oliver doing the salmon ladder shirtless and he'd found himself completely unable to look away. The butterfly feeling he'd got in the pit of his stomach when Leo and his Ray had kissed back on Earth-X. He hadn't thought it was unusual it was a couple who clearly loved each other dearly being reunited after god knows how long who wouldn't be happy for them? 

“Ray? You in their mate?” It was Constantine talking now. No longer looking at everyone with his usual cocky expression instead his features softened and he looked concerned. “Now I don't know what the topic of your early chats with these two gorgeous people was but given what I know about 'em and your usual Disney attitude to everything I can hazard a guess. I get it, its hard, I've been there but it's okay. I know how confusing it all is not knowing who you are or where you fit but you have people here who you can talk to and help you. Not like me. Was thirteen and tried topping m'self” the Brit said, rolling up his shirt sleeves to reveal two huge scars littered amongst countless smaller ones of varying ages from thin white lines to barely scabbed over. “Succeeded to and paid the price for it. Damned myself to this life till I'm finally dragged down to the fiery pits of hell for the rest of eternity.” 

“Do you _really_ think you are being helpful right now?” Leo snapped behind him. 

“Now, now beautiful I meant no harm. Was just trying to explain to lovely Raymond here not to follow my path to accepting being a queer” 

“By reminding him you're damned to hell? Which isn't even because of your sexuality anyhow! He's just had a panic attack for fucks sake and isn't even sure who he is right now use your brain please!” Sara shouted this time. Constantine flinched and went back to brooding in the corner. Ray felt guilty for the obvious pain that flashed across the blond haired man's eyes. He knew there was a story behind what Sara had said and from the recent and precise nature of some of his scars it wasn't something he deserved throwing in his face because of him. 

“Raymond” Leo was back rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Earlier I asked you if you like guys and you said no then you had a panic attack. Was that because you do and it scared you?” 

“I hadn't thought about it. Or at least I thought I hadn't thought about it.” 

“Now that's a tongue twister”

“Shut UP Constantine!” Sara and Leo yelled in unison. 

“What do you think about it now?” Leo asked. 

“That I've been thinking about it longer than I realised but didn't think it meant anything.” he yawned loudly his complete lack of sleep lately finally catching up with him. “Then you said about how you weren't taught there was any option other than straight till you met Ray and I thought about all these things from before that seemed normal at the time because I didn't know different but when I look again and they weren't. That maybe there were clues all along that I wasn't straight after all. I just never thought about it or was scared of it or something” he explained. 

“Do you know what 'it' is? Are you gay like me?”

“Bisexual like me?” Sara said 

“Or pansexual like me?” Constantine added. 

“What's pansexual?” 

“I like girls, I like guys, I like people who are both and people who are neither I'm not fussed. Would've done a few angels in my time to if they weren't such annoying pricks, For me its more about who they are not what.” 

“I'm pretty certain I like girls and I guess I like guys to? Can't say I've known many people who identify as both or neither but I don't see why I'd have a problem with them? Don't think I want anything to do with angels though.” 

“Good they're a right bunch of wankers” 

“For the last time Constantine. You WILL go out the airlock”

“Temper temper Miss Lance” he teased “So you think you might be a fellow pansexual? Welcome to the team Dr Palmer” 

“I guess? Or bisexual? I'm not sure? I'm to tired to think about this right now.” He just wanted to go to bed and see if he could finally get some sleep.

“You don't have to label yourself anything Ray. Now go to bed and sleep. Captains orders, I don't want to see you out of your room till tomorrow you hear me? I will get Leo to freeze your door shut if you try and go to your lab” 

“Yes Ma'am” he said standing up and scurrying for the door. Stopping to turn back to the three in the room “Thank you. By the way... just.... thank you” 

“Any time Ray now scram” Sara ordered and he darted off to his room. 

~~

“Well that wasn't how I expected today to go” She admitted to the pair left in the room after Ray left.

“You're telling me. Of anyone on this ship he's not the one I expected to like cock”

“Jesus Christ Constantine do you EVER stop?”

“Just trying to lighten the mood” 

“Well don't. I've got a lot of shit I need to sort out now after this hole mess. I've been neglecting my team and this is what happens because of it. Ray didn't deserve to struggle on his own and have no one notice. If we'd been paying him the attention he deserves we would've noticed and helped him but I guess we've always been guilty of side lining him because he's always seemed so...” 

“Unflappable?” John offered 

“Strong?” Leo. 

“Yeah... He never asks for help but then I guess he's never really known how. It's always just been him on his own and I thought he liked it that way but I was wrong.” 

“Even the strongest person needs someone to care about them. You are evidence of that.” 

“I've always had someone to care about me. I have my family and friends”

“Exactly. Did Ray?”

“Never”

“Then give him some” 

“We will.” she promised “What made you so wise anyway? Our Snart would've probably yelled at someone by now and stormed off to brood. You're nothing like him” 

“I think my doppelgänger and I were probably more alike than you realised” Sara laughed. Their Len was much more closed off than this one and their lives had been completely different though equally as hard. Leo had escaped a life time under his fathers thumb and had joined the good side but Len had been bent and twisted to his fathers evil will till he managed to break free. She couldn't imagine what secrets he held under that cool exterior. 

“Get some rest the pair of you. Team meeting on the bridge at ten don't be late.” The pair nodded and left the lab. Now she just need to come up with a plan on how she was going to make things right with her team. Rip made her captain for a reason and she wasn't going to let them down like he did time and time again. 

~~

Ray didn't even bother putting on his pyjamas when he got back to his room. He just stripped straight off into his boxers and climbed into his bunk and was sound asleep within seconds. Before he couldn't stop thinking about things and now he couldn't think about anything as the day had been far to overwhelming. He never would've guessed that at thirty seven years of age he would have a sexuality crisis but here he was making a fool of himself in front of his captain, the doppelgänger of his dead friend and an almost total stranger who slightly gave him the creeps. 

Of course his dreams had to go and betray him. He'd never had what anyone would even come close to a wet dream before not even as a teenager. His idea of a wet dream had been dreaming of a new invention not sleeping with his crush. He didn't have crushes. 

So why was his brain showing him strong arms and defined chest. Not a breast in sight. The bodies changed through each movement going from slender to more built to even slightly chubby but they were all most definitely male and all most definitely performing a variety of sexual acts on him. He couldn't decide if he was more terrified or turned on. 

He jolted awake dripping in sweat and the tell tale sign of a bulge in the front of his boxers. Nope this is not what he wanted or needed right now. He tried wishing the erection away thinking about everything from old ladies to Sara when she was drunk and Zari had tried to take the bottle away from her telling her she'd had enough but none of it worked it just wouldn't go down. 

“I really hate you sometimes brain” he whined slamming his head back on to the pillow. He looked over at the clock on the wall. It was already mid morning if he didn't get up soon someone would come looking for him. Only one way to get rid of the problem before someone walked in. He really didn't want to be embarrassed in from of the team more than he already was. 

He put his hands in his pants and stroked himself to completion with a cry using the images from his earlier dream to help get himself off. After he came he felt both relieved and nauseous as well as extremely uncomfortable. 

He quickly showered and through on a long sleeved shirt and jeans before checking his messages. 

_Sara:_

_Team meeting at ten on bridge. Come only if you feel up to it._

__

The time read quarter past ten he was already late which meant the others would ask questions because he was never late but it would be worse if he didn't show. He quickly pulled on his shoes and hurried out the door almost running head first into John Constantine who was leaning casually against the wall outside his bunk. 

“You sounded like you were having some fun in there” he said with his patent smirk on his face. 

“You were listening outside my door?” Why was the world determined to embarrass him right now?

“No, not exactly. Just thought you might want some company going to this team meeting of yours. Arriving alone draws attention, arriving with someone else makes people think you were busy.” How did he manage to make that sound both caring and creepy at the same time? “You alright sunshine?” the man asked dropping the smirk now “Been a tough few weeks for you I'd bet but thinks will get easier. They did even for me” 

“Did they though?” he blurted out without thinking. The scars on John's wrists had been bothering him since he saw them. 

“Hmm?” 

“You said you tried to kill yourself when you were thirteen. You showed me your scars but most of them were fresh. Some of them only looked hours old” 

“Everyone has their vices” the blonde man shrugged. 

“Self harm isn't a vice. You say it gets better but then you still hurt yourself? How am I supposed to believe you if you've only given me evidence to suppose otherwise?” 

“I've got a lot more to worry about than liking cock mate. Don't worry your pretty head it's not like I can kill myself either. Those bastards up there will just drag me back again kicking and screaming till I've suffered enough for their twisted pleasure then they can dump me with their dear brother and watch me burn for eternity. As I said yesterday, angels are wankers.” 

This was definitely the most infuriating man Ray had ever met. How could he be so casual about self harm, suicide and eternal damnation? “If you can't kill yourself and that's not your intent why hurt yourself?” 

“Look, Mate” John said stopping them with a hand pressed firmly on his chest “I'm not one of your little aberrations to fix alright? I've been locked up in more nut houses then you've had hot dinners. Makes my job a little easier. Those demons like to hang around those flea bits but I don't exactly end up there of my own volition. I'm broken, I was born this way and no amount of glue is going to put the pieces back together so move on and accept it. Now lets get to this meeting before that lass with the fancy necklace comes looking for you again. She was around earlier with her concerned doe eyes so we don't want her to suspect something's up any further do we?” Constantine stepped to the side letting him start walking again.  
Great so now he had embarrassed himself in front of half the team. Doubly embarrassed himself in front of Constantine and now pissed him off to. Great Ray, real great.  
~~

They walked onto the bridge and Sara was clearly mid inspiring speech when they got there. Everyone stopped and looked at them and he hated it, wanting to walk out and leave but that would draw more attention so he settled for hugging himself and trying to make himself as small as possible to be unseen. 

He didn't miss the concerned looks from Leo and Sara that followed him around the room as he paced in the background only half listening to what she was saying. Something about reinstating team meals and games nights but he couldn't focus and just wanted to get to the lab and tinker with something. He didn't like being the focus of attention and he didn't like upsetting people either. Sara barely finished her speech before he was all but jogging out the room followed by calls from Nate that he hadn't seen him in days. He thought he heard Mick yell 'haircut' but he didn't hear the rest of it as he was gone and back in his lab. 

He just need time to think and to process. Maybe he should go back to earth for a while? See if Felicity needed him for anything? Or Cisco? Something to get his mind of everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos always appreciated.


End file.
